Expectations are funny. I had several expectations when I asked for a reading. I look at my experience objectively now as it is in my history. I always expected wonderful things from everyone. My mother never looked at anything with a possible bad solution. I never experienced anyone mean or upsetting towards me until I had my first job at about age 16. That is when I discovered that my mother’s world of experience and my experience of the world were going to be different.
Today, I experienced one of those moments. I anticipated good news and didn’t get the good news I expected. It is certainly not Carla’s fault. She spoke truth. I understood truth. She touched me with exquisite knowledge of my son’s passing that covered everything that my heart asked for since his passing last year. Carla was really revealing in the truth of the person my son was. I personally experienced many tragedies in my life and my desire was to persevere and carry on. He chose not to. It was devastating for Carla to reveal to me something no one has known, which is my extreme anger that my son chose not to continue to persevere.
Yes it frightened me to know that someone could see my anger. I thought I had hidden it, but Carla saw “red” surrounding me. I also know that my anger has kept me sane and able to deal with the idea that he didn’t have the wherewithal to fight his situation and come out of it. Carla’s words of comfort helped in that we, as parents are not ultimately responsible for the choices of our children. I know this intellectually, but my heart hurts for the people – all of us – he left behind, especially his children. Was he that callous to not even consider them? Carla told me exactly what I was afraid to know… yes. Now, as his mother, I have to live with the knowledge that his spirit is still troubled and that makes me wonder if this experience was good for me. I craved comfort and better expectations. I received truth. I wonder if there was some religious or spiritual training I could have introduced him to early in his life that might have changed his decisions or directions.
I look forward to some of the positive prognostications because my job situation has been frustrating since the beginning. The path I took out of desperation to pay for all the funeral expense has been energy-draining. I miss the freedom of being out and about and spreading my happy spirit. I feel like my soul is in jail under a cloud with this job now. Carla infused me with a ray of hope and sunshine. I think hope is a good thing. I appreciate the reading and just have to continue to pray that God in His mercy will comfort my son and all of us that had to deal with his unfortunate passing on this earth.
White Oak, TX
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